I Need To Talk To Someone
Blogging has gone the same way as journal-ling. it's all very well typing or writing down your feelings but nothing is changing. I'm writing the same problems down. Having the same dis-satisfactions. My life goes on and I die a little more each month. I have no dreams, no aspirations, every new thing I've tried is hampered by my own lack of skill, strength, energy. My self doubt is crippling me during the research stage of any new venture. I can't compete with the Independent Sellers, I can't compete with China prices, I'm not even sure I can compete with the 5 year old starting at schiool!
Worse still
I have been unable to get out of this dip for a very long time. I'm not suicidal cos I'm not anything. I seem unable to feel anything except extreme sadness and irritable annoyance. I spend most of the day in distractions because the tidy up job here still seems so vast and overwhelming. I keep doing the tiniest of amounts - mirroring my housemates amount of work - but I was doing a lot better. I've managed to empty all the downstairs boxes and all the boxes (bar one craft one) in my bedroom. I have 10 more boxes to empty from my housemates room.
There is no more space in my bedroom. (10"1' x 6"9')
I have to de-clutter.
Most of the things to get rid of have emotional attachments. All the things I've collected that no-one is ever going to be interested in (postcards of Spain from 70's!).
That sentence brought up another deep problem that I try and forget on a daily basis. No one is ever really interested in anything I have to say anyway. Kally is the only one who asks questions and listens to the answers. I spoke to Fish, F, and Nath - Fish misheard and filled in what he thought I'd said instead of saying "speak up", F HaBiTually mishears and misunderstands so much so that it is tiring trying to communicate cos I'll have to repeat (even the important stuff) over and over, Nath asked me a question and didn't pay any attention to the answer at all (I hate politeness for the sake of it - I'd rather have silence!)
Even my Mom seems to fixate on bits of conversation which meant a lot less than the real message - which she doesn't seem to hear.
I have no more tears.
I've dried up.
I guess I'll plod through every day until I die.
I'm not suicidal now, but another 15 or 20 years of this is worrying me that I may become so - the strain of repeated expectations to sort everything out being broken only with sheer boredom may get too much for me.
I (seriously) was better off on my own, I may only have had 3 friends but I was having some really good days among the routine. That was because I was relatively well settled in and could do what I wanted.
I need t stop typing/thinking now. I've tired myself out again and that big cloud has settled in the forefront of my brain again telling me that I need distraction or sleep.
If I sleep I will sleep forever.
Worse still
I have been unable to get out of this dip for a very long time. I'm not suicidal cos I'm not anything. I seem unable to feel anything except extreme sadness and irritable annoyance. I spend most of the day in distractions because the tidy up job here still seems so vast and overwhelming. I keep doing the tiniest of amounts - mirroring my housemates amount of work - but I was doing a lot better. I've managed to empty all the downstairs boxes and all the boxes (bar one craft one) in my bedroom. I have 10 more boxes to empty from my housemates room.
There is no more space in my bedroom. (10"1' x 6"9')
I have to de-clutter.
Most of the things to get rid of have emotional attachments. All the things I've collected that no-one is ever going to be interested in (postcards of Spain from 70's!).
That sentence brought up another deep problem that I try and forget on a daily basis. No one is ever really interested in anything I have to say anyway. Kally is the only one who asks questions and listens to the answers. I spoke to Fish, F, and Nath - Fish misheard and filled in what he thought I'd said instead of saying "speak up", F HaBiTually mishears and misunderstands so much so that it is tiring trying to communicate cos I'll have to repeat (even the important stuff) over and over, Nath asked me a question and didn't pay any attention to the answer at all (I hate politeness for the sake of it - I'd rather have silence!)
Even my Mom seems to fixate on bits of conversation which meant a lot less than the real message - which she doesn't seem to hear.
I have no more tears.
I've dried up.
I guess I'll plod through every day until I die.
I'm not suicidal now, but another 15 or 20 years of this is worrying me that I may become so - the strain of repeated expectations to sort everything out being broken only with sheer boredom may get too much for me.
I (seriously) was better off on my own, I may only have had 3 friends but I was having some really good days among the routine. That was because I was relatively well settled in and could do what I wanted.
I need t stop typing/thinking now. I've tired myself out again and that big cloud has settled in the forefront of my brain again telling me that I need distraction or sleep.
If I sleep I will sleep forever.
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