Emotional Whirlwind

I'm in such a spin. I feel so overwhelmed by everything. I had to go to a Consult at a hospital that I have a shaky history with. I was taken there at 15 to have my stomach pumped. The place has changed immensely but there are remains of some of the older, still functioning, buildings and it gave me a different sick feeling to the already anxiety ridden feelings I was having. Ironically I have found that my physical condition is so hard to overcome that my emotions are caught up in the fear of feeling so breathless when walking. I realise that my anxiety also plays a part because all my muscles become so tense that I ache the next day (as though I've had a work out).
The spinning is due to the dichotomy of feeling so defeated and exhausted all the time and the idea that if I could just put on a happier face for a while I'd feel so much better. In the past the spark for that has come externally. Lately it's getting increasingly more exhausting to try and find that spark.
I want to get down to doing some make-up reviews in text with pics and I'd love to do a short, to camera, vlog for youtube, but my anxiety and shyness is crippling me.
Performance anxiety knackered any chance I would have had as a dancer and has tripped me up ever since. I over analyse my dreams and end up deciding that I'm not ever going to be good enough so why bother trying!?
The 3 people that I have in my life to talk to would think I was crazy for even attempting youtube. Why would I want to be a vlogger? Why would I want to put myself out there for potential haters and trollers to try and screw with me? when I'm not exactly stable in my own skin?
Can I ignore the Trolls? I would like to think so, probably more easily than the passive-aggressives who come off as nice but are really being bitchy (but my sister was like that so at least I know how to spot it). I genuinely think it could do me some good as a talking therapy and hobby channel.
It may also be a better channel for crafting and for me to solidify my identity.
My GothNerdSpoonie nicknames are definitely descriptive, maybe as an Elder Goth I can introduce some Baby Bats to a more egalitarian notion and prevent them from cliquing! As a C.O.P.D and heart failure spoonie I have a lot to say and a lot to learn about my condition - and now seems the only time to start.